Donuts, Feet, and Noses
by thefreakyone
Summary: OH MY GOD! THE DONUT MACHINE! IT'S POSSESSED! AND IT'S FINISHED!
1. Default Chapter

Donuts, Feet, and Noses  
  
AUTHOR: Alisha Corbitt  
  
E-MAIL ADDRESS: XtheXfreakyXoneXaol.com  
  
DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere. Just let me know beforehand  
  
SPOILER WARNING: None  
  
RATING: PG  
  
CLASSIFICATION: S, H  
  
FEEDBACK: I'll give you a cookie if you give me an email.   
  
XtheXfreakyXoneXaol.com  
  
KEYWORDS: none   
  
SUMMARY: A piece of idiocy written by Yours Truly  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Them. A bunch of Important People   
  
(who will be referred to as IP's from here on out) do. IP's, please   
  
don't sue me. All I have are DVD's and if you took those away   
  
you'd be responsible for my suicide. I also do not own Krispy Kreme   
  
Donuts. Don't sue me for that, either. And luckily, I don't own   
  
the Teletubbies, either. God help the sick minds who do.  
  
Mulder walked down the hall of the Hoover Building   
  
to the brand-new Krispy Kreme Donut Machine. He was  
  
at work early, as usual. He wanted to get donuts for him  
  
and Scully before everyone else came and took them all.   
  
He put in $2.00 and the machine immediately started  
  
working. Within a few minutes, two donuts were sitting   
  
in front of them. The little red light next to the 'Hot: Do   
  
Not Touch' sign was on, but Mulder disregarded it, picking  
  
up the steaming hot donuts with his bare hands. It burned.   
  
With a girly scream, Mulder put the donuts back down.  
  
Scully had just walked in and saw all of this. She   
  
immediately rushed over to him, anti-burn medicine   
  
filled syringe in one hand and ice wrapped in a blindfold   
  
in the other. She quickly injected him with the anti-burn   
  
medicine and put the ice-in-a-blindfold on his hands.   
  
While he was still in too much pain to know what she   
  
was doing, Scully kissed Mulder's nose. She felt positively   
  
scandalous taking advantage of him like that. It was   
  
thrilling.  
  
'Thanks, Scully,' Mulder said gratefully, 'I bought   
  
you a donut.'  
  
Scully considered. She hated donuts; they were so   
  
greasy, hot, and disgusting. They reminded her if Kryceck.   
  
But Mulder had sacrificed so much to get her the donut,   
  
she couldn't let him down now. 'Thanks, Mulder,'  
  
she forced out.  
  
They walked back to the office. After she had   
  
finished eating her Krispy Kreme Donut, Scully excused   
  
herself to the bathroom and puked. She brushed her   
  
teeth with the toothbrush she always kept there just in   
  
case she stayed at work too late, then walked back out   
  
indifferently. She really, really hated donuts.  
  
They spent the rest of the day doing paperwork.   
  
When he got bored, Mulder turned on the TV that he   
  
usually used to watch porn. Teletubbies was on. Mulder   
  
tried changing the channel, but the rest of the channels   
  
were fuzzies. He tried the Dirty Fuzzy channel, but Dirty   
  
Fuzzies didn't come on until late at night. During the   
  
daytime it was just regular TV. But at night, Dirty Fuzzies   
  
came on, and sometimes they were so clear Mulder could   
  
even jack off to him. But it wasn't late at night, so he settled   
  
for Teletubbies.  
  
A 'sun' with a baby's face in the middle of it   
  
suddenly appeared on the screen. Seeing the baby reminded   
  
him that Scully could never have children, and that made   
  
him mad. Mulder threw his shoe at the baby, wishing he   
  
could be throwing it at Cancerman, or Duanne Barry, or Diana   
  
instead. The baby came on again, and Mulder threw his other shoe  
  
at the little bastard. He hadn't been wearing any socks that day   
  
and was now barefoot. Scully raised her eyebrow and them and   
  
plugged her nose. His feet smelled bad. Mulder was embarrassed   
  
and put his shoes back on. When Teletubbies was over, he went   
  
back to doing paperwork with Scully. He hated paperwork, but   
  
it had to be done.  
  
At 6:00, just as the sun was setting, Scully decided to   
  
go home. She wanted to go home and read the monthly   
  
Medical Journal, eat a tofutti rice dreamcicle, take a nice warm   
  
bubble bath, then go to sleep. She left Mulder to finish his   
  
paperwork.  
  
As she drove home, Scully developed a great hate for   
  
sunsets. Under other circumstances, it would have been almost as   
  
pretty as Mulder, but Scully was trying to drive, and the sun was   
  
intent on shining in her eyes. She hated the sun almost as much  
  
as she hated donuts. And she hated donuts.  
  
When she got home, Scully decided to multi-task so   
  
that she could go to bed early. She took her tofutti rice dreamcicle   
  
and Medical Journal into the bathroom, drew her bath, and ate,   
  
read, and soaked all at once.  
  
When she was done, Scully went to bed, exhausted.   
  
It had been a long day of paperwork. A long, satisfying day.   
  
With the thrill of kissing Mulder's nose added to the excitement   
  
of her bath, the day had been perfect. She wished it would never   
  
end. If it hadn't been for the donut, it would have been the best   
  
day of her life.  
  
Notes: I don't know how Krispy Kreme Donut Machines work. I   
  
don't know why the FBI bought one. I don't know why the   
  
Teletubbies were on or why Mulder's TV only had one channel.   
  
I don't know why Scully was so thrilled about kissing Mulder's   
  
nose or why her bath was so exciting (shut up, all you perverts.   
  
She was reading a Medical Journal). All I know is the muse told   
  
me to do it, and I was required to obey.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
This story was a response to Maggie's Challenge at I Want To Believe.   
  
The required elements were:  
  
A Krispy Kreme Donut Machine  
  
A syringe  
  
A blindfold  
  
Bare feet  
  
A sunset  
  
A blindfold and a kiss on the nose.  
  
Do you have any idea how hard it is to write a story involving a blindfold,   
  
a sunset, and a kiss without making it either incredibly lame or smut?   
  
It's hard. 


	2. A Bathtub and More Donuts

alrighty. due to the fact that i had about... a lot of people with whom i conversate tell me that this thing needs a PLOT, i am writing a chapter two, in which a real plot is introduced. because i need something to do in history.  
  
to the four people who reviewed: you are my heroes! samantha, i realize that you're supposed to run burns under water. but scully had the anti-burn syringe, remember?  
  
pixiedustbunny: if this disturbed you, just be GLAD you don't know me personally.  
  
daydr3am3r: YEAH! THROW... BUTCHER KNIVES AT THAT EVIL BITCH! and not liking krispy kreme should be a mortal sin, but scully just doesn't seem like much of a donut person to me. lol.  
  
LVB: well, it OBVIOUSLY had to be mulder throwing his shoes, if Scully had done it the heels would have broken the tv! :)  
  
anyways, enough rambling. let's get back to the music!  
  
A Bathtub and More Donuts  
  
Scully woke up to the sound of the ringing phone. It took her a moment to figure out where she was. She was surrounded by water. Why? Then she remembered. She must have been so tired out by all the paperwork, donuts, and Teletubbies, not to mention kissing Mulder's nose, that she fell asleep in the bathtub.  
  
She reached across the bathroom to pick up the phone. "Scully," she said.  
  
"It's m--" but Scully had dropped the phone into the water because her fingers were so wet and raisiny.  
  
"Oh, shit," she said, then dived under the water to look for the phone. She felt around. The first thing she found was the Medical Journal she had been reading the night before. All the letters had been blurred out. It was useless now. She got out and flushed it down her One-Of-A-Kind Super Duper Trash-Can Toilet.  
  
She got back in the bathtub and looked around more. The next thing her found was Rubber Ducky! Rubber Ducky was dying! She jumped out of the tub again and began performing CPR on Rubber Ducky. The water he was filled with squirted out. Rubber Ducky would be okay!  
  
She got back into the bathtub to look for the phone more. The next thing she found was the plug. She pulled it and the Super-Duper Water Sucker she had installed under the tub made the water go away super-duper fast! It even soaked up the bubbles! It almost soaked the phone in, too, but luckily she managed to turn off the Super-Duper Water Sucker before it abducted the phone.  
  
She put the phone to her ear. Nothing. She tried turning it on. Nothing again. The phone was dead. It was of no use to her anymore. She would have to buy a new one. She flushed the phone down her One-Of-A-Kind Super Duper Trash-Can Toilet.  
  
Scully got out of the tub, dried off, injected herself with a syringe of Anti-Raisiny Skin Medicine, got dressed, then called Mulder on her Super Service Everywhere Cell Phone. If she had dropped that in the bathtub, it would have still worked.  
  
The phone rang a few times, then Mulder answered. "It's me," she said. "Sorry, but I dropped the phone and it broke."  
  
"Scully, come to the FBI Building, quick… The Krispy Kreme Donut Machine's possessed.  
  
all right, i admit it. i don't like this as much as the first one. but it's a transition chapter, right? right. so... hopefully the next on will be better. anyway...  
  
REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW! 


	3. Betrayal and Visits

Betrayal and Visits  
  
To everyone who reviewed: i don't have time today to say hi to y'all personally, but you guys put the happy in my day! But I forgot to give you guys cookies yesterday, so... COOKIES FOR ALL!  
  
Scully raised her eyebrows. She thought it was much more likely that whatever sick bastard had created Krispy Kreme Donuts was possessed, not the donut machine itself. "Mulder, the donut machine is not possessed," she said.  
  
"YES IT IS! COME HERE AND I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU!" Mulder exclaimed, enraged.  
  
She sighed. "Fine."  
  
They both hung up. Scully put her Super Service Everywhere Cell Phone back where it belonged. She drove to the FBI Building. The FBI Building with the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine in it. Scully scoffed at donuts. Maybe if Mulder could convince everyone that The Machine was possessed, They would take it our. That would be super!  
  
Scully got in her car. It was only 2:00 AM. Oh well. Scully didn't need sleep, she was super-waky!  
  
When she got to the FBI Building, Scully found Mulder staring intensely at The Donut Machine. She wasn't sure if it was because he was thinking about its "possession" or because he wanted a donut.  
  
"Skinner's in the hospital. In a coma. Five other people were killed by this Machine, all today," Mulder said, "KRISPY KREME, WHY HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME?!?!?!?!" he cried. The pure agony in his voice was almost too much for Scully to bear. She wished she could kiss his nose again.  
  
"The Krispy Kreme Donut Machine killed five people in one day," Scully said in disbelief.   
  
"Come look at these surveillance tapes," Mulder said as they walked down to their basement office.  
  
Mulder put a tape in the VCR hooked up to the TV he used to watch porn. The surveillance tape started playing. The time stamp at the bottom-right of the screen read 6:30 PM. Only a half an hour after Scully had gone home.  
  
A man walked up to the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine and put in a $1 bill. It was Kryceck. Figures he would like donuts, Scully thought bitterly. A circle of nastiness (so Scully thought) came out. The man picked up one of the donuts and screamed in pain. It was oddly like what had happened to Mulder up until there. The man fell onto the conveyer belt, which was also very hot, with the donut. The conveyor belt started to go backwards. As The Machine ate Kryceck, a computerized voice said, "you'll never escape." The same thing popped up on the screen in big white letters. Scully was suitably terrified.  
  
Mulder stopped the tape. "The same thing happened to four other people," he said.  
  
"Don't forget Skinner," Scully added, "But I guess he was just so muscular and manly he escaped, huh?"  
  
Mulder nodded in complete agreement.  
  
"Mulder, if four people were killed by the… Krispy Kreme Donut Machine, they would have shut it down," Scully pointed out. As if it weren't obvious.  
  
"Some guys with 'Super-Cleaning' jackets came and sprayed Super-Duper Automatically Cleans Everything Concentrated Orange-Scented Spray on it, and it was as good as new," Mulder told her. He showed her that part of the tape, too. "It's a government conspiracy," he said.  
  
Scully nodded. "That makes perfect sense," she said, "Now let's go to the Krispy Kreme Donut Factory and see what they have to say about all this," she finished, trying not to gag at the thought of being around so many donuts at once.  
  
"KRISPY KREME DONUT FACTORY!" Mulder exclaimed with unadulterated glee. Scully had never seen him so happy before.  
  
I KILLED KRYCECK! But… now how can his incredible sexiness be enjoyed by the world? EVERYTHING IS SO CONFUSING… I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT'S RIGHT!  
  
GO REVIEW AND YOU GET A COOKIE! 


	4. To the Donut Factory

little or no time for notes today: reviewers rock, my story doesn't, here's your cookies.  
  
Inside the Factory  
  
They drove to the Krispy Kreme Donut Factory in silence. Scully had mixed emotions; she was glad that Kryceck was dead, but being around all those donuts… ugh.  
  
Meanwhile, Mulder was trying to hide his ecstasy in going to the Krispy Kreme Donut Headquarters, because he knew it was such a solemn occasion.  
  
They pulled up to the parking spot marked "Extra-Specially Reserved for Hot FBI Agents Investigating Mysterious Killings by Our Donut Machines." They fit the criteria perfectly.  
  
"Isn't it super that we found a parking spot so fast, Scully?" Mulder said excitedly.  
  
"Just super," Scully said wit considerably less enthusiasm. Anything that got them into the Krispy Kreme Donut Factory faster was not super in her book.  
  
They walked into the factory. The soldiers in the Super Donut Protection Army were guarding the door, and didn't want to let Mulder and Scully in. however, they had the all-au.thoritive FBE badges, and the guards had to move. Mulder was glad they had the badges; Scully usually was, but today, it was just getting them into the dreaded Factory faster.  
  
A pair of Super Donut Protection Army Soldiers escorted them to the Krispy Kreme Donut Headquarters Manager's Office. Scully was disgusted by the sickly sweet smell of fresh donuts being made which tainted her nostrils.  
  
The Super Donut Protection Army Soldiers left them. The oversized chair behind the desk turned around, revealing an ominous 500-pound man in a purple and yellow polka-dot business suit and a Krispy Kreme Donut tie. He held a rainbow-colored bubble pipe in one hand and a chocolate Krispy Kreme Donut in the other. A platter of all kinds of Krispy Kreme Donuts sat on the desk. Mulder looked like he was in heaven. Scully thought she was going to be sick.  
  
"Care for a donut?" the Krispy Kreme Donut Headquarters Manager asked a bit too politely for Scully's taste. Scully shook her head, trying not to look too repulsed. Mulder grinned happily and picked up a raspberry filled one with chocolate on the top. Scully tried not to gag.  
  
"So, I hear there's a problem with one of my machines," the Krispy Kreme Donut Headquarters Manager continued.  
  
Scully nodded, "Five people, four of them FBI Agents, have been killed by the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine recently installed in the FBI Building. The Assistant Director is in a coma; thanks to his extreme strength, he was able to escape the The Wrath of the Donut Machine."  
  
"Well, I don't know what to tell you. You people obviously aren't using it right," the Krispy Kreme Donut Headquarters Manager said, "read these instruction manuals and get back to me. And please, take another donut."  
  
Scully grabbed the papers and Mulder took a regular glazed donut.  
  
"You don't like donuts, do you Scully?" Mulder asked through a mouthful of Krispy Kreme as they walked back t their car parked in the Extra-Specially Reserved for Hot FBI Agents Investigating Mysterious Killings by Our Machines spot.  
  
"Not really," Scully admitted, slightly ashamed.  
  
"THAT IS SO WRONG!" Mulder exclaimed in outrage. They drove back to the FBI Building in an uncomfortable silence.  
  
REVIEW FOR COOKIES! 


	5. Skinner!

Passes out cookies to reviewers I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!  
  
Skinner!  
  
"Scully, I think we should go to the hospital to see how Skinner's doing," Mulder said.  
  
"I think that would be super, Mulder. I'm sure Skinner will be flattered that we care about him so much and give us extra cases to work on when he wakes up!" Scully said happily. They hadn't gotten any leads on what was up with the Phantom of the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine (as Mulder had taken to calling it) yet, and Scully was getting bored with watching the video surveillance camera to make sure that no one else was getting killed by The Phantom. Plus, there would be no donuts in the hospital!  
  
So they got into the car and drove to the hospital. Skinner was in ICU room 42. "Hey! Skinner stole my apartment number! I feel so violated!" Mulder exclaimed, flabbergasted.  
  
"It's okay, Mulder. It's not Skinner's fault, it's those poopy little hospital nurses," Scully said soothingly. She felt so sorry for Mulder. It must be hard to go through something like that all alone.  
  
"Yeah… but… Scully, I just don't know what to say. I've never felt so alone and unspecial since the time I lost teddy-weddy back in 8th grade!" Mulder hung his head, holding back tears. Scully gave him a small hug and a mental nose-kiss, and he felt better. They walked into Skinner's room.  
  
They both stared at Skinner in shock for about 15 seconds, unable to think of anything to say. Scully was flabbergasted. Mulder was disgusted. They were both surprised that their big, strong, boss had been reduced to this 1½ armed, dented headed, looks-like-he-went-through-a-tree-shredder-twice thing. It was the most horrible thing either of them had ever seen.  
  
Since they had nothing to say, Mulder and Scully turned around, leaving Skinner to his comatose dreams. And dreams during comas are always the best, as Mulder and Scully well knew.  
  
They drove back to the FBI Building again. If Skinner had been awake, he would have been angry at them for wasting so much gas in an FBI Issue Car. But for now, they had no one to chew them out for screwing up. It was surprisingly devastating.   
  
They drove past a Krispy Kreme Donut Shop. Mulder insisted on going in and buying several dozen, so that he and his mother and the Lone Gunmen could get together for a Donut Night and talk about their feelings about what was happening to Skinner. Scully was nauseated by the smell and proceeded to roll down all four windows and hold a tissue over her nose, now not restrained by pretending to like donuts.  
  
By the time they got back to the FBI Building half an hour later, Scully was trying not to hyperventilate. Her hatred for donuts was increasing. If she was a shrink, she would have diagnosed herself with Terminal Post-Traumatic Stress Donut Hating Syndrome, which was actually more common than one would think. But she would never be able to be that nice to delusional idiots, so she didn't diagnose herself with TPTSDHS."Scully you all right?" Mulder asked in a concerned voice with a mouth full of donut. Scully was doing her best not to take the whole damned box from him and flush them down her One-Of-A-Kind Super Duper Trash-Can Toilet. She was practicing self control.  
  
"I'm fine, Mulder," she snarled through clenched teeth.  
  
"Sorry, but I just think you might have a case of TPTSDHS," Mulder said.  
  
"I DO NOT HAVE TPTSDHS!" Scully exclaimed, in full denial mode.  
  
"Donut?" Mulder offered. Scully screamed like a hyena.  
  
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REVIEW FOR COOKIES! 


	6. The Evil Of The Donut Machine Is Complet...

Reviewers, here's your cookies. And no, daydr3am3r, I will not hand out donuts for reviewers. They're MINE! MINE, I TELL YOU! MINE! Plus I don't have donuts… actually, I don't have cookies, either. But oh well.  
  
The Evil Of The Donut Machine Is Absolutely Flabbergasting!  
  
Mulder and Scully were now sitting in the surveillance room again, watching the non-moving Krispy Kreme Donut Machine. The only sound was the sound of Agent Flouskie's singing "I Feel Like A Woman." He was actually quite good. Scully wished she could sing as well as him.  
  
The normal Surveillance Guy leaned back in his Super-Duper Comfortable Swirly Chair. He looked Super-Duper Comfortable. He took another drink of coffee and sighed. "I need another donut," he said, loosening his belt a knot or two.  
  
"I don't think you should--" Scully began, not wanting the poor, unsuspecting man to be harmed.  
  
"Go ahead," Mulder told him. He wanted to see if the Phantom of the Donut Machine would try to eat the Surveillance Guy. Was there a weight limit to how much the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine could eat? It was one of the great unanswered questions of the universe.  
  
Scully looked at Mulder accusingly. If Surveillance Guy died, it would be all Mulder's fault. Why was life so complicated? She sighed inwardly and took a sip of her now lukewarm coffee. Just right!  
  
Surveillance Guy heaved himself out of his Super-Duper Comfortable Swirly Chair, bracing himself on the arms until he gained enough strength in his legs to support all his weight. Scully was immensely glad she wasn't a Fat Surveillance Guy like him. How could she ever wear 3-inch heels if she was that heavy? The question puzzled her like no other ever had.  
  
Surveillance Guy hobbled out of the room the same way a pregnant woman might. It was quite disturbing. Scully would never be able to debug her apartment in the same way again.  
  
They could now watch him through the video surveillance cameras instead of in real life. It was just as nauseating. The view was from behind, and they watched him dig through the pocket next to his flabby butt for $2 in change. It took awhile.   
  
Surveillance Guy paid $2 in nickels and the machine kicked into action. Surveillance Guy struggled to get down on his knees and leaned forward to take a bite out of the donut as soon as he came out. Scully thought he was being particularly idiotic.  
  
The machine clamped down violently on his head, and his brains gushed out like batter in a waffle-maker. At least he died happy! It was every Surveillance Guy's dream to die while eating a Krispy Kreme Donut, as Mulder, Scully, and Agent Flouskie all knew well. It wasn't like they had anything else in life to look forward to!  
  
Scully, always in control, picked up the phone and dialed 911. Before she could even finish, however, the Super-Cleaning Team came and sprayed Super-Duper Automatically Cleans Everything Concentrated Orange-Scented Spray on it. There would never be any trace of what had happened. Now Surveillance Guy lay on the floor, and it was up to Mulder, Scully, and Agent Flouskie to reveal The Truth About The Phantom of The Krispy Kreme Donut Machine.  
  
They were FBI Agents on a Mission, and it was super!  
  
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Review for cookies! C'mon, people! I have to beat spenders! I'm a fanfic writer on a Super Mission, and I need your help! 


	7. Skinner's New And Improved Office!

Reviewers: You are to me what Hercules is to Xena. Except… hmm… I don't know much about the relationship of those two. You are to me like what peanut butter is to jelly!  
  
Find out how Mulder, Scully, and Flouskie turn in their reports!  
  
Skinner's Office  
  
Mulder, Scully, and Agent Flouskie wrote their reports, which were torturously long, due to the nature of the case. They then carpooled in a Government Car and drove to the hospital to turn the reports in to Skinner. The Very Nice Nurses at The Hospital were very cooperative and set up a makeshift office in the hospital room so that while they were being debriefed it would feel like they were at work.   
  
The Very Nice Nurses took nightstands from several other rooms with Patients Who Were Too Sick To Notice Or Use Nightstands. They put a phone on the desk. The Very Nice Nurses went to the Hospital Manager's office and pilfered all the office supplies the FBI Agents would need. They tied them all up to the Super Duper Giant Office Chair and used the Super Duper Office Supply Shrinker/Enlarger to make it pocket-sized. The Very Nice Nurses felt thrilled and exhilarated to be involved in such a heinous crime.  
  
Once they used the Super Duper Office Supply Shrinker/Enlarger to make it all normal sized again, Mulder, Scully, and Flouskie turned in their reports and spoke calmly to the Imaginary Screaming Skinner in front of them.  
  
"YOU IDIOTS NEED TO DO BETTER IN THIS INVESTIGATION!" he yelled. Only the Agents listening could hear him, "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO! JUST FIND OUT WHO THE HELL DID THIS TO ME!"  
  
"Sir," Mulder began, perfectly reasonable. He wasn't sure where to look, because Skinner was invisible and he had to judge where he was by where the screaming was coming from, which was hard since it filled the whole room. "I don't think it's a who we're looking for, but an it."  
  
"I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A MALE OR A FEMALE OR A TRANSEXUAL OR A MACHINE OR AN APPARATION OR A PHANTOM! JUST GET THEM INTO JAIL AND BRING THEM TO JUSTICE! MY SEXY ABS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN THANKS TO THE GODDAMN KRISPY KREME DONUT MACHINE!"  
  
This went on for a long time. Scully eventually put in her Super Duper No-Sound Earplugs so her hearing wouldn't be damaged any more than it already was. She was so tired from all the driving that she drifted off to sleep. Mulder woke her up afterwards and filled her in on what had happened; nothing much. Luckily Imaginary Screaming Skinner hadn't noticed.   
  
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COOKIES FOR REVIEWERS! 


	8. SHOES!

Hey everyone! In honor of daydr3am3r, I have added in more shoe-throwing! And in honor of Milagro, I've added more dialogue!  
  
To everyone who reviewed: you guys are the best X-Philes ever!  
  
SHOES!  
  
"I have an idea!" Mulder exclaimed as they walked out of the hospital. A Super Duper Idea Light Bulb appeared above his head.  
  
"What's that?" Scully asked curiously. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back.  
  
"I think we should get a court order and have the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine shut down!" he said, looking delighted at his huge breakthrough.  
  
"That's a brilliant idea, Agent Mulder!" Agent Flouskie said. He was totally hitting on Mulder. Or was he? Scully was so happy about The Machine being shut down that everything was all jumbled in her head!  
  
So they jumped into the car they were preserving gas with by carpooling and drove carefully and lawfully away to The Courthouse. Mr. I-Am-The-Judge sat authoritively and firmly in his Chair. He was so authorative and firm that Agent Flouskie felt very intimidated and a little terrified. Mulder and Scully were Super Brave, though, so they didn't have sweaty palms.  
  
Mr. I-Am-The-Judge held a Super Duper Squeaky Hammer in one hand. The other sat neatly in his lap. He wore a loose gown, midnight blue with silver stars all over it. He had on a Krispy Kreme Donut Hat. A Super Duper Pink Service Everywhere Cell Phone sat on his desk. Although Scully was not scared like Flouskie, she could see why he was so scared.  
  
"Can I help you?" Mr. I-Am-The-Judge asked in his cool, collected, I-Am-The-Judge-And-You're-Not-So-There voice. Flouskie visibly shook in his shoes.  
  
The FBI Agents introduced themselves.  
  
"We need to get a warrant to shut down the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine recently installed at the FBI Building. It keeps killing people," Scully informed him.  
  
"I see. I'll have to talk to my… accomplice about this," Mr. I-Am-The-Judge said, tapping the Krispy Kreme Donut Hat on his head.  
  
He picked up his Super Duper Pink Service Everywhere Cell Phone and dialed a number, then started talking, "Pookie, baby, my love, I need you to come down here and help me with something."  
  
The Agents looked sick.  
  
Five short minutes later, an Extremely Ugly Woman walked in. It was Fowley! And she was wearing a Krispy Kreme Donut Hat, too, just like The Judge! Scully gasped in horror, then took off one of her Super Duper High-Heeled Black Sexy Shoes and threw it at Fowley. Fowley took off her own show and threw it at Scully but missed because she lost interest as soon as she saw Mulder. Agent Flouskie reached out and caught the shoe, just like a real gentleman!  
  
Fowley ran up to Mulder and hugged him very tightly. "Oh, Fox," she said seductively, "I've missed you so much! Come away with me and marry me and be mine forever!"  
  
Slut, Scully thought, I hate her so much.  
  
Mulder pushed Fowley away. Fowley stumbled into the arms of her lover, Mr. I-Am-The-Judge. As she walked away, both Mulder and Scully threw their shoes at her. After a moment Flouskie did too. Fowley was now covered in cuts and bruises from all the shoes that had been thrown at her. She tearfully buried her face in Mr. I-Am-The-Judge's shoulder.  
  
"No one likes me!" she cried sadly.  
  
"Yes they do," Mr. I-Am-The-Judge countered, stroking her hair lovingly.  
  
"No we don't!" Mulder, Flouskie, and Scully answered. Flouskie had taken an immediate disliking to Fowley.  
  
They walked back out to the car, deciding to all carpool once more so that they would preserve gas again! It made Scully so happy to help save the environment! She could save dolphins and help close the hole in the ozone layer! She began smiling like an idiot, until she saw Fowley again. That was so not Super Duper.  
  
They drove back to the FBI Building again and all stared at the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine, at complete loss at to what to do.  
  
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Review for cookies! 


	9. The Death Of The Fowl One

Hello, everyone. How art thou. To the people whoreviewed last time (lol) YOU ROCK! HERE'S YOUR COOKIE! Hehe. Anyway, on with the show!  
  
Whatever Happened To The Bitch?  
  
Finally, Fowley had an idea. She decided to settle once and for all whether or not the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine was possessed. "I'm going to settle once and for all whether or not the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine is possessed," she said.  
  
So she Mr. I-Am-The-Judge reached deep into the depths of her butt pocket and fished out a dollar. They kissed passionately, then Fowley walked up to The Machine. She looked like she was experiencing a grand mixture of emotions: lust, terror, exhilaration, and anticipation. The Others were feeling an echo of the same thing, Mr. I-Am-The-Judge double of the lust. Gowns don't hide erections very well. That explained why guys don't wear dresses!  
  
Fowley inserted the dollar into the Money Slot in The Machine. "Here goes nothing," she said. Mulder, Scully, and Flouskie rolled their eyes, hoping The Phantom Of The Krispy Kreme Donut Machine would stir up and eat her. Even if Scully didn't believe in The Phantom. Mr. I-Am-The-Judge looked admiringly on, giving her a big thumbs-up and an encouraging smile.  
  
The Machine predictably started up, and a donut came out. Predictably, Fowley started drooling uncontrollably. Predictably, Scully, Mulder, and Flouskie were disgusted and Mr. I-Am-The-Judge was turned on even more. Predictably, Fowley reached out to pick up the donut while it was still to hot, and predictably, the machine ate her. Predictably, some guys with Super Cleaning Jackets came and sprayed Super-Duper Automatically Cleans Everything Concentrated Orange-Scented Spray on it.   
  
Scully, Mulder, and Flouskie, but especially Scully and Mulder and especially Scully, danced in the hallway, singing and laughing happily. Mulder and Scully had never been so happy since their childhoods. This was so super duper!  
  
Eventually, though, after several days of partying and other super stuff, the Agents had to get back to investigating the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine, which even Scully didn't think was so bad anymore. After all, it had gotten rid of The Evil Bitch, right?  
  
But despite all the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine had done for her, or the Phantom Of The Krispy Kreme Donut Machine had done for her, Scully still hated donuts. There was no way something so disgusting and unsuper could ever be good. She had learned that long ago.  
  
While they were all celebrating, Mr. I-Am-The-Judge was going through the hardest time of his life. Without His Love, everything seemed pointless, desolate. Everything reminded him of her. It was so sad and unsuper.   
  
But Mulder, Scully, and Flouskie didn't care about the troubles of Mr. I-Am-The-Judge. While this could be perceived as apathy by some, they were to happy and too busy to care. They had to go to countless meetings with the Invisible Skinner in his hospital room, and he yelled even more than the Real Skinner. Scully's Super Duper No Sound Earplugs were starting to get worn out, and Mulder and Flouskie were getting a bit sick of filling her in on all the non-important things that were going on in the meeting, just in case there was a test on them.  
  
But because of their experience in stressful times of life, they all knew it would pass and everything would be super again.  
  
Hopefully.  
  
Unless the Ghost of Fowley came to haunt them.  
  
But that was Mulder's fear only, and Scully and Flouskie doubted it would happen.  
  
The next day, because of something Invisible Skinner said, they made a huge breakthrough!  
  
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REVIEW FOR COOKIES!!!!!!!!! 


	10. The Big Breakthrough

To everyone who reviewed: you guys rock.   
  
The Big Breakthrough  
  
Skinner had once said "use your head, it'll save your ass." When Scully had heard that, she had been worried about Mulder, so all she had thought of was Mulder's very nice ass. Invisible Skinner, however, was much smarter: "kick the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine's ass," he had told them at their last visit to the hospital/office. So Mulder, Scully, and Flouskie, obedient FBI Agents they were, devised a plan to do just that.  
  
The Krispy Kreme Donut Machine didn't have an ass, so they had to do it in a much more unconventional way. So, to check to see if the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine could work without electricity, The Agents unplugged the cord of The Machine and sat a kitten on the conveyer belt. Apparently using Super Duper Kitten Sensing Powers, the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine Conveyer Belt began to go backwards, gobbling up the cute little kitten like a contestant in a pie-eating contest. Which was funny, since the kitten was as cute as a cookie and a cookie is a desert and so is a pie so.   
  
It really hurt Flouskie to see the kitten killed in such a brutal way. Mulder and Scully were used to all the violence, since they watched the news, but Flouskie's innocent mind was being corrupted by this case more than it had ever been before in any case of video tape fraud he had before. He stared in shock. Mulder put a comforting hand on his shoulder. Flouskie felt a million times better! It was super.  
  
So it looked like they were going to have to kick the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine's non-ass in an even more unconventional way. Flouskie couldn't wait to get revenge on The Machine. Only now it was looking more like it was the Phantom Of The Krispy Kreme Donut Machine.  
  
Scully was having a lot of trouble accepting that The Machine really was possessed. It went against everything she had ever known and believed. But she didn't have to acknowledge it! Scully decided to pretend the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine was plugged in so everything that had been super in her life could go on being super.  
  
Mulder was very happy that, once again, he had been proved right, and his ego would stay happy.  
  
So next they decided to spray Super Duper Anti-Demon Spray Mulder had bought from his favorite tabloid on another kitten and put it on the conveyer belt. The kitten was eaten like its sister had been. Flouskie was becoming more and more sad by the second. Mulder put his hand on Flouskie's shoulder again. Flouskie was not so easily consoled this time, however.  
  
"I want to go get some cake to make me feel better," he whined. Scully hated whiners! But because of all the babysitting she had done as a teenager, she knew that the only way to get whiners to shut up was to give them what they wanted.  
  
So they went to Marie Calendar's and bought a Super Special Monthly Special Chocolate M&M Cake. Flouskie chowed down. Mulder decided The Cake looked good, too, and started to chow down. Scully ordered an Extra-Small piece of carrot cake and nibbled at it. She had to get her Good-Eyesight Inducing Vitamins somehow, didn't she?  
  
So they ate cake, and slowly decided that their "big breakthrough" hadn't been so big after all. Or was it? Maybe they would make another breakthrough from that breakthrough and no more kittens would have to die and Flouskie's mind wouldn't have to be corrupted any more! Scully's heart sped up at the thought.  
  
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REVIEW=COOKIES 


	11. Almost The End!

Well, it looks like Mulder, Scully and Agent coughhasacrushonmuldercough Flouskie are going to need some Super Duper help from the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine In The Sky for this one! Read on to see how they avenge the poor little kittens! And a note on the church: no one get all pissy at me for this. I needed somewhere the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine In The Sky would come, alright? Alright.  
  
To my beloved reviewers who I love more than anything: you guys are super duper!  
  
Help From The Krispy Kreme Donut Machine In The Sky  
  
Scully was positively stumped as to what to do. She hadn't been this confused since her first French AP Calculus class. They had taught calculus in French! It had been painful, but at the same time educational in a way nothing had ever been before. This wasn't educational, though. It was just confusing.  
  
So Scully, not knowing what else to do, wanted to go to church and pray. But she didn't have a car! She stared puzzled into her arm hairs for 30 seconds, then stole a little kid's bike. She would have to go to confession.   
  
When she got to church, she knelt before the picture of the Krispy Kreme Donut. Being the avid donut-hater she was, Scully was disgusted. So she pretended it was a picture painted by Picasso instead. That helped.   
  
"LISTEN," came the voice of the Giant Krispy Kreme Donut Machine In The Sky, "YOU NEED TO DESTROY THE KRISPY KREME DONUT MACHINE RECENTLY INSTALLED IN THE FBI BUILDING!"  
  
"But how?" Scully questioned.  
  
From the sky dropped a Super Duper Krispy Kreme Donut Machine Destroyer Gun. Scully picked it up and saluted the painting of the Krispy Kreme Donut. Maybe she and the Krispy Kreme Donut In The Sky would be able to get along after all, so long as she didn't have to spend too much time around donuts.   
  
Scully rode the bike and gave it back to the little handicapped kid she had stolen it from, trying to pretend she had found it lying a few blocks away instead of stealing it when they both knew perfectly well that she had stolen it. It was awkward. Scully felt guilty. She really would have to go to church (not the Church Of The Krispy Kreme Donut Worshipping Cult she had just come from) and confess.   
  
"Look what the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine In The Sky gave me to destroy The Machine!" Scully exclaimed as soon as she got to Flouskie and Mulder. Flouskie was shamelessly flirting with Mulder, but Mulder was ignoring him. Scully felt very odd, but still super-happy they would be able to destroy the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine and expel The Phantom from it forever more.   
  
"Is that what I think it is?!" Flouskie exclaimed, obviously impressed.   
  
"It is… it's a Super Duper Krispy Kreme Donut Machine Destroyer Gun!" Mulder squealed, "Do you have any idea how rare those are, Scully?"  
  
"Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact. The Krispy Kreme Donut Machine In The Sky gave it to me while I was kneeling in front of The Picture in the Church Of The Krispy Kreme Donut Worshipping Cult."  
"That's so super! Now we can get rid of that pesky Phantom once and for all!" Mulder and Flouskie said in unison. Flouskie smiled flirtatiously at Mulder. Mulder glared at him.  
  
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OH BAM! A CLIFFHANGER! Now you have to wait to see what happens next! Will Mulder ever get pissed off at Flouskie and tell him to buzz off? Will the handicapped kid's parents press charges against Scully? Will anyone else be killed by the Phantom Of The Krispy Kreme Donut Machine? All this and more will be answered in the next chapter!  
  
REVIEW FOR COOKIES!!!!!!! 


	12. The Grande Finale

Well, people, it looks like this is it. The grand finale. I will start off by speaking to all of my reviewers, because they make me feel super-duper!  
  
Everyone: yes, yes, I'm sorry for the kittens too. Oh well.   
  
Rach: Thanks for all the reviews! No, Fowley will not be coming back to haunt them. I had too much fun killing her to bring her back to life. And it wasn't imaginary Skinner, it was invisible Skinner! J  
  
Daydr3am3r: Thanks for reviewing everything, you make me feel super! I just finished reviewing your, "Just Another Day in the Office" story! It was funny.  
  
John: Don't worry about not understanding it, I'm not sure if I understand it, either. And of course it's crazy! I wrote it, what else would it be?  
  
Perfalmarin: Don't worry, all will be explained here! Or will it? Yes it will!  
  
Thespenders: Well your account got suspended which gives me time to make you go even downer than you already would! J  
  
The Grand Finale  
  
They drove back to the FBI Building. Scully was getting sick of all the driving, but they all wanted to get rid of the Phantom Of The Krispy Kreme Donut Machine and Mulder was driving and he and Scully were both uncomfortable with Flouskie and so they sped really fast but luckily no police cars pulled them over.  
  
When they got there, Mulder and Scully turned off all the lights, pulled out their flashlights, and Scully took out her Super Duper Krispy Kreme Donut Machine Destroyer Gun. Flouskie looked confused. "We have to set the mood," Mulder informed him. Flouskie nodded obediently and followed the suit.   
  
They made a semi-circle around the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine and watched it intently. Nothing happened. They looked at it harder. Nothing happened more strongly than before. Scully thought that was some improvement, but she still needed to work on her telekinetic skills.  
  
They stared at the machine for 5 hours straight, not blinking. Scully unblinkingly took out her Super Duper Eye Moisturizing No Blinking Necessary Eye Drops. They all put them in, without blinking and without taking their eyes off the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine. It helped a lot.  
  
"Just shoot the damn thing!" Flouskie told Scully.  
  
But Scully could not, within her clear conscience, shoot the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine without being provoked by something, even if it was just the disgusting smell of donuts. But being the intelligent FBI Agent she was, Scully knew that buying a donut from The Machine in order to provoke herself to shoot the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine would get Mulder or Flouskie or both killed because everyone in the world but her was under the amazingly strong spell of the Krispy Kreme Donut hypnotism and they would automatically reach down to eat the donut.   
  
So Scully tried thinking of Fowley. The bitch was enough to piss her off any day! Grrr… But, Fowley didn't make her think of donuts. Fowley made her think of very, very naughty things, such as violent killings and doing a Donnie Pfaster. But since Fowley had died, Scully was able to push these vivid fantasies out of her head.  
  
Scully next tried thinking of Krycek, since donuts reminded her of him so much. But again, it wasn't working.  
  
Scully tried everything: Kersh, Detective White, Phoebe Green, CSM. When thinking of Eddie Van Blundht didn't work, Scully knew she was in trouble.   
  
Finally, giving in, Scully thought of Krispy Kreme Donuts themselves, in all their fatty, hot, greasy disgustingness. Bile rushed to her throat but she ignored it. "Put in the dollar," she told Mulder and Flouskie menacingly.  
  
Mulder and Flouskie both reached to The Machine to put in a dollar. Their hands touched, and Flouskie… well… Flouskie was really starting to creep Mulder out. Mulder took a step back and let the other Agent put in the money. Flouskie looked disappointed.  
  
The Krispy Kreme Donut Machine lurched into action. Mulder and Flouskie began running towards it, wanting the donut like they had wanted nothing else before, except of course, another Krispy Kreme Donut. But Scully, not being under the power of the Krispy Kreme Donut Machine's evil hypnotism, aimed her Super Duper Krispy Kreme Donut Machine Destroyer Gun at The Machine and shot at it.  
  
Immediately, The Machine was blast into pieces. The Krispy Kreme Donut Machine had made its last donut. Scully had never felt so happy. This was even better than the day she had kissed Mulder's nose!  
  
But her victory was short-lived. A Spirit rose out of the crumbling ashes and began to speak. "YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME!" it said menacingly. Flouskie trembled and clung to Mulder, "WHO KNOWS WHERE YOU WILL FIND ME NEXT?! IN A SODA MACHINE, IN THE MOTEL VENDING MACHINE, MAYBE EVEN IN THE TAMPON MACHINE! MWUHAHAHAHAHA!" Now it was Scully trembling. Not the tampon machine! How ever would she survive?  
  
Then, The Spirit flew out the window and disappeared. Scully rolled up in a fetal position in the corner because she was so scared. She stayed there for days, until The Phantom was reported by the National Inquirer to be found in France haunting an Escargot Machine.  
  
Scully went to her Super Duper Secret Supply Of Syringes And Medicine and took out a syringe of Super Duper Heals Everything Medicine and injected Skinner with it. Skinner instantly jumped out of bed, now super. He went home and was the Big Bad Boss again the next day. There was no longer any need for Invisible Skinner, so he went back into Skinner's closet until he was needed again.  
  
Flouskie was reassigned to Texas because he wouldn't stop stalking Mulder.  
  
Everyone else solved their problems, too.  
  
And they all lived happily ever after.  
  
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REVIEW FOR COOKIES!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!! I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!!!!!! 


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